Excellent Candidate but.....

So here's the thing: I still am repeating Bhagwan ki Marzi. Don't get me wrong (see last post).

But.....

Rejection still sucks. It always does. Its not fun to be told eight hundred times what an excellent candidate you are and how committed to the work you are.

But..... we couldn't choose you.

When all you really want is someone to pay you to do the work you are so committed about.

Its WAY early. So I haven't even accumulated that long list of rejections yet --- but I am tired of the reassurance that I am a wonderful candidate. I am tired of the lie that you should get what you deserve --- of the meritocracy of it all. I mean, I do believe I will end up where I need to be but that's different than my qualifications entitling me to all the opportunities out there that I "deserve". The math doesn't add up. The racism doesn't make it work. The idiosyncracies.

I feel comfortable in a world that is random and chaotic and senseless. But I feel uncomfortable with the ongoing myth I have that for everyone else around me the math adds up perfectly.
Or that it SHOULD for me.

I mean its that same random force that gives me so much privelge too. I admit it. I don't deserve it.

But it still doesn't change the fact that rejection hurts.
And I think its a bad idea for people who GET things to give you advice on what to do. Because for them they think they have the master formula. And they can impart it on you. And the variables and values are all different in my situation.

Tell me though, with no badge or marker to show that I have achieved anything for my career, love, or friendships --- how come I am happier now?